Dear Homecoming Week Teacher,
Regarding childbirth, my great grandmother once told my mother, "Honey, that's the closest you'll come to death and live to tell about it." A close second is teaching during homecoming week. Admittedly, there are a few differences between childbirth and teaching during homecoming. For instance after birthing a baby, you get the reward of cradling an adorable newborn in your arms, but after homecoming week you're cradling a carton of Ben and Jerry's cookies and cream ice cream while digging glitter out of your cuticles and begging Monday to die a slow death.
To most people (outside of education), this analogy seems to be a farcical exaggeration, but every teacher who has ever survived homecoming knows the similarities are uncanny. I'll spare you a Venn diagram by merely listing a few observable comparisons.
Homecoming Week vs. Childbirth
1) There will be yelling...lots of it
2) It's a lot of build up for one day
3) Gaudy gowns are worn by beautiful women
4) There's sweet relief when it's over
5) There are many sleepless nights leading up to the finale
6) Get ready to shell out some dough
7) All eyes are on the queen
8) Five billion pictures will be taken
9) Somebody's probably going home in a wheelchair
10) Physical and mental anguish are at an apex
11) Idle threats of "never again" will be uttered
12) One day feels like 20 days
13) Normal life disappears
14) Only people who have been there truly understand
15) You're so ready to go home
After this day, I hope you've finally made it home. I hope you're reading this with a big, heaping spoonful of Ben and Jerry's ice cream relishing the fact that you are still alive to tell about the week that nearly took your life. Above all, I hope Monday is light years away.
Is it too early to discuss next year?
-CDB